We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
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Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
yeah not falling for this one
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.