My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
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[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Just a friendly reminder!
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
What a chick magnet..
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here