A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
You Might Also Like
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.