Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge