Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
normalize having existential bread
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.