If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.