Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
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Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.