My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
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Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
If you know, you know
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.