WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
This is me 🤣🤣
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach