To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
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Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“i miss shittin on people”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.