Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I love art.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year