I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I put the hot in psychotic.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.