I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
when someone rings the doorbell
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
<- sleeps well with others
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”