Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.