You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.