50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
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*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos