I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
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Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
not for long
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually