The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
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If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
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the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick