Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?