[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
This hospital has everything
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.