As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
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MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
What the dentist sees
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.