My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
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[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.