*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
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I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)