You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
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Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
meanwhile over on facebook
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
look at me when i’m typing to you
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.