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This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore