DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
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i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell