Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.