Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
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It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.