My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
TODAY
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
This is the one
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.