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Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
and this one
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option