Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
motivation
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.