Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I want to meet the individual who made this
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
it was love at first sight
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I think we should hear other voices.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”