[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
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Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???