People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
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Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
That’s classic.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.