detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.