JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
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Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My life coach traded me.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss