Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
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I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.