Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
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My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My dad is at it again
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.