this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah