thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
You Might Also Like
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!