After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
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I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
mathematically impossible