8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
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If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
March 16
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I’d use my best pan on you.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.