Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say