me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.