THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.