the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
You Might Also Like
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I had to Stop for this
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan