Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Here’s a meme
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open