“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
You Might Also Like
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
i hate you platonically
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!