I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
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Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?