Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
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Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED