Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
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Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
@funTweeters
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.